A Beautiful Vessel
MAGGIE OEDEWALDT
When you accept Christ into your life, everything changes. The sun shines constantly, you never worry about a thing, and sadness is a thing of the past! Money troubles? No more! Depression? Gone! Addiction? No such thing! You are a clean, fresh, new person! Go and sin no more!
Right?
This was the picture that was painted before me when I stepped through the church doors at 17 years old.
My house was broken beyond belief. My parents were divorced, my father was mentally and physically abusive, my mother was a single parent doing her best, and I was forced to grow up very quickly. I was the perfect candidate to be “saved” by the church. When I got my driver’s license, I decided I wanted to begin a real relationship with God. I did not grow up in a church and really had only been a handful of times because the parents of my then girlfriend would take me.
When I attended my first service as a mature young adult, I was instantly pulled in. The pastor was speaking about how God is like the ultimate father: “He loves us unconditionally and would never turn His back on us.” I couldn’t wrap my mind around what that looked like, but I was hooked. I threw myself into every church group and volunteer position I could. The pastor and his wife took me under their wing and made it their personal mission to counsel me in my new journey with God. After almost a year, I decided to be baptized and fully commit my life to God. This was it; I was going to have a new life! I wouldn’t feel depression, anxiety, or PTSD ever again! My pastor had said that only God can take those things from people and heal them. I was ready to be healed.
Two months later, I became pregnant with my oldest daughter out of wedlock and suddenly it felt like God had turned Her back on me. The church shunned me and called me a “used and dirty vessel”, they removed me from all the volunteer positions I was in and began gossiping about my family. My entire identity was shattered, everyone I looked to for guidance on my journey was now showing me the exact opposite of what I had been taught. I was confused and lost. I thought to myself, “Wasn’t I doing everything right? Why would God just abandon me?” Everything came crashing down around me.
I spent many months reading my bible over and over again trying to pinpoint where I had gone wrong. How could I have messed up enough to make God leave me? One afternoon, while visiting with my grandmother, all my doubts and fears rose to the surface and spilled out all over her floral print couch. After hugging me tight she said, “You don’t need to listen to them. You need to listen to God, that’s the only opinion that matters.” It would take many more months for me to discover what exactly God’s opinion was. My faith in God was built on Her people and how they portrayed Her, not actually on the truth of who She was. I let Her people show me how to shove down pain, lock the past behind closed doors and never talk about it, and paint rainbows and butterflies over the ugly cracks in my vessel. The truth is, I have been a whole and useful vessel all along and God has used those cracks to create something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
Maggie is a mother, trained musician, and music teacher. She is a full time graduate student at Illinois State University, teaches piano and voice lessons, and is a licensed Kindermusik educator. She has two kiddos, Summer and Phoebe, who love to sing, dance, and go hiking. Music and education are her biggest passions and she loves teaching K-5.