Vicky, A Spiritual Director
LIBBY MOORE
In my late teens and early twenties, you could have described me as a young stalwart of my faith community. I attended church every Sunday. I volunteered in the nursery, vacation bible school, sunday school, worship team, church choir, serving meals, etc. Instead of working at the Dairy Queen or lifeguarding like my friends, I worked in the church office copying and folding bulletins every single week and sending out reminder postcards to all the volunteers. In college, I even worked at the local Christian bookstore. My whole life revolved around my faith and my church community.
Below the surface, I had a few questions and uncertainties, but church was my security, my safe space. I knew all the rituals and rules (both spoken and unspoken). I knew all the people and they knew me. So, I did exactly what was, in my mind, expected. Questions and uncertainties were all just part of the great mystery of faith, I was taught.
Coming to Imago, I experienced something new and exciting. People were openly questioning and debating. They weren’t afraid to voice their uncertainties, their doubts. There was a realness and a vulnerability at Imago that I’d never before witnessed in community. I wanted to be a part of that.
I didn’t have a bible college degree and hadn’t read the great theologians. I’d read the bible, but certainly didn’t feel I had anything meaningful to add to the discussion. So, instead, I listened and learned, taking in as much information as I could. I recognized a little bit of me, my past and present self in each question and uncertainty that was shared. I couldn’t believe it, but things started to actually make sense (?!).
However, with that “making sense” came a whole lot of unraveling. The proverbial can of worms was opened. “If I no longer believe this, then what about that?” It rocked me. I didn’t know what I believed anymore, or to be honest, if I believed...
In 2018, I joined Formation Community 3. For those who aren’t familiar, formation communities are a cohort of people who retreat together once every quarter. Over the 2 year commitment, participants try on a series of different spiritual practices. I was a working mom with 2 little ones at home and was in the middle of a very difficult personal season. Silence, solitude, and space away from being needed was what I craved. I said “Sign. Me. Up!”
My faith up to this point had been very practical and pragmatic--serving on different ministry teams, reading the bible, praying for others. Through the Formation Community, I got to experience God in ways that I never had before. It wasn’t all about the doing, though that was all still good and necessary. It became more about oneness and connectedness. I tapped into a holy mysticism, if you will--the idea that everything is spiritual.
Every quarter on this two-year journey, we’d share our thoughts and reflections in writing with the spiritual director, Vicky Brown. We could write about whatever we wanted--the practice of that quarter or just what was happening in our lives. One common theme that kept coming up for me was “I don’t know.” I don’t know what I think about this. I don’t know how I feel about that. I wanted someone to tell me the answers. Tell me what I’m supposed to think about this. Tell me how I’m supposed to feel about that.
As an Enneagram Six, one of the shadows of my personality type is indecisiveness--not trusting my own instincts and overly seeking reassurance from others. Much to my frustration, Vicky never gave me any answers. Rather, she presented me with more questions: “What do you think about that? What does that mean to you? Why do you think that is?” What took me so long to accept was that I had to be the one. I had to decide. I had to find meaning. I had to choose whether or not to continue on this journey--this exploration of faith.
I didn’t walk out of the Formation Community experience with any answers. What I did have was a big bag of tools. Slowly, bit by bit, all the unraveling led to an unveiling--an unveiling of a new understanding, a more expansive view of God. I still don’t know all of what I believe. I do know that the mystery no longer scares me, but excites me. At least I think it does….right??
Libby is a music instructor and professional musician from the Peoria area. She is an Enneagram 6w5 & ISTJ. Her passions are voice pedagogy, cooking, reading, and worrying. She and her spouse Dan will celebrate their 12th wedding anniversary this June. They have two children, Elijah (9), and Imogen (7).