Finding Connection in 2020
Erin Bowald
2020. Woof. Am I right? To give you context about my 2020 and how it’s already shaped me, first I’ve gotta tell you a bit about 2019. The year started off pretty dang amazing. After a couple years of being married, Drew and I decided to start a family. We got pregnant in January, and with the exception of being a “geriatric pregnancy” (I mean, honestly…can they not find a new word for pregnant after 35?!), we were “#blessed” to have a pretty easy pregnancy.
Kennedy Bowald arrived in early October (almost two weeks late, but I’m trying not to hold it against her). Talk about Blowing. My. Mind. How could I love this little thing SO MUCH?! I just felt completely smacked in the face with gratitude — for my healthy pregnancy, my healthy baby, my amazingly helpful and present husband, my beautiful, loving extended family and all my wonderful friends who supported me. I was truly connected during that season in such a deep way. Talk about seeing God in something. It’s so easy to see when everything is going so well! I kept thinking, “Man, I just can’t wait to see what next year brings.” (Cue the rainbow and butterflies.)
Well, as 2019 began to come to a close, I started to suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety. I felt empty. And alone. And isolated. What happened to all that joy and gratitude? What was wrong with me!? That connection I had to the beauty of life was replaced with darkness and emptiness. My sister-in-law must have seen it and started sending me posts, blogs, etc. of what I now call “real” moms — the ones who talk about the REAL sh*t. Their struggles with that overwhelming feeling of emptiness made it ok to feel what I was feeling. Thousands of amazing women out there have been through this darkness. Just knowing I wasn’t alone was enough to get me through. I was so thankful she made that connection for me.
And then 2020 came. And I went back to work. And I found my new normal. The little glimpses of joy started to come back. Maybe 2020 was going to be that year I was looking forward to. Then, in a period of a few weeks, a dear friend lost a boyfriend to suicide…COVID happened…George Floyd. My office closed and I started working from home every day. Those alone, isolated, empty feelings starting flooding back. I entered into this endless spiral of crazy in social media, continuously disappointed in the “Christian” perspective on EVERYTHING that 2020 brought.
Then I started to realize again: I’m not alone. There are so many other humans experiencing this moment with me. There are other Christians outraged by the injustice that has been normalized in our country. And, quite literally, everyone IN THE WORLD is experiencing the fear and isolation of the pandemic. Something about stepping outside of myself and looking at all the other people experiencing this moment snapped me back. I started to seek out ways to connect. To learn. To educate myself. To do something positive in the midst of the horrible things happening this year.
One of my favorite humans ever, Brené Brown, sums up what I feel about 2020 in her book Braving the Wilderness:
An experience of collective pain does not deliver us from grief or sadness; it is a ministry of presence. These moments remind us that we are not alone in our darkness and that our broken heart is connected to every heart that has known pain since the beginning of time. Show up for collective moments of joy and pain so we can actually bear witness to inextricable human connection.
I guess one of the most important things in this for me is the “show up” part. We have to be intentional about it. We have to be present. We have to actually SHOW UP and make the connection. And in a year like 2020, it ain’t easy. Understanding and being a part of this human connection (created by God, by the way) is what is going to make our world better.
It’s the amazingly beautiful things that enhance your faith (like my 2019). But more than that, it’s the showing up and finding community in the hard times that truly moves your faith forward. That changes you. Do I get it right and do it well every day? No. But do I show up? Do I try? Yes. So of course, I’m still so sad about the things that 2020 has brought, but at the same time, I’m hopeful. I feel more connected to my community and my faith than ever before. And I am so grateful for Imago, that I belong to a community that encourages us to feel that deep connection.
Erin is a “new” mom to Kennedy and an “old” wife to Drew. The crew resides across the pond in Washington with their amazing pups, Jameson and Baxter. The Bowald family adores traveling and is really missing those glorious days of exploring new states and countries as of late. Erin has been going to Imago off and on since the days of the Gateway Building and loves her time serving at Breakfast Club. As an Enneagram 2 (with a 3 wing) she really loves you and hopes you like this blog and her!