Process of Evolving
CALEB LAWRENCE
2020 in a nutshell: “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Christmas Eve three years ago, I was sitting in the living room watching TV when a loud and heavy pounding came from our front door. I answered the door to find our neighbor in a complete state of panic and hysteria. Her house was on fire, and she didn’t know what to do. Our neighbor, I’ll call her Beth, is a physician’s assistant in orthopedic surgery and is one of the last people I would ever expect to see in this state. Several days later, while talking to a few friends and neighbors, everyone came to the same understanding: While her reaction was completely and understandably normal, this was a person we perceived as prepared, focused, and ready for anything. It surprised us all to see everything fall apart. This revelation struck us because we don’t ever want to see ourselves in that situation.
We never want to see ourselves as vulnerable, or weak, or lost without any direction or purpose in a time of crisis when others around us depend on us for direction and guidance, and we don’t know up from down, left from right. We can prepare all we want, but that only gets you so far. 2020 did that to us. As a parent and a husband, it scared me to death. In my line of work, preparedness, focus, and most of all action are stressed every single day — because if you are not alert and paying attention, you or someone else could get seriously injured or killed. I can wrap my head around that. The parameters are defined, my head is not constantly wondering and spinning when I am at home or driving in my car. Some people I work with would argue we should always be “prepared” and “alert and ready.” Uh huh. Imagine a piece of string that is continuously stretched until, piece by piece, the strands start to pull apart until eventually the entire piece is ripped in two. That’s what “always alert” does to a person. Anyway, I am getting off track. My point is, in our world we operate so much on autopilot because of set parameters: how we dress, how we prepare our food, how we drive our car, our work hours, and so on. 2020 turned those parameters inside out, time and time again.
So, it may surprise you that mid-March last year, I became like Beth. How could you not? If you are reading this and say, “Oh, I wasn’t worried” or “Oh, it was not that big of a deal,” you are either lying or you weren’t paying attention close enough. We all had a reason to be worried. Preparedness only gets you so far. If you are a person who donates to food pantries, do you make sure to donate canned goods that have a pull top? I know some preppers, and this thought never occurred to them. I can’t imagine when you are starving or trying to prepare a meal how incredibly frustrating it would be to not have a can opener and have to resort to cutting open a can. Having a plan in place is just as important as making sure it is effective.
I’ve written and deleted this probably four times because I find it hard to appear or be seen as vulnerable, I find it hard to let go of control, I find it hard to show that I let go of control. I did not grow up with a lot of confidence in myself and faced a lot of challenges that often eroded any confidence I had built up, so naturally these walls exist purely out of self-preservation. When I look at my friends, neighbors, co-workers, and general people I know in life and how the past year was for them, all I can honest to God say is 2020 was a massive inconvenience for me and my family. We didn’t struggle like some of our family members did, we didn’t struggle in the ways other people have. We were not destitute. We still struggled and panicked and worried constantly, but in our own ways. Josh gave me the prompt “in what ways did you struggle or were stretched thin…” In what ways wasn’t I?
As someone who is generally a homebody, the idea of a lockdown AKA shelter-in-place sounds incredibly appealing. You might think “Good, I didn’t like going to places anyway,” or “Work from home? That sounds incredible! No pants!” However, this past year was anything but appealing for me and my family, and unfortunately my work-from-home was very short-lived — and I wore pants.
I faced challenges and watched events on the news that I had only read about in books or seen in movies. I was baffled that in 2020, with all of the advancements mankind has made in regards to science and technology, we are fighting, panicking, and suffering with the problem of wiping our own butt. Suddenly, we found ourselves questioning how we go about our daily routines, grocery store trips, day/child care, work schedules. Caitlin and I found ourselves asking, “Do we get your grandfather's hunting rifles and shotguns out of storage?” “Do we go buy ammo?” Then the riots started, then the social media posts started. I remember seeing multiple posts stating, “Vans of looters coming to white neighborhoods to take back what’s ours” and so on and so on. I remember one of my best friend’s wife crying because her husband had to go to work and prepare for the possibility of looting and rioting (police officer). This is a guy who has been an officer since 2006? 2007? They have been together since 2009? The potential risk for danger and harm has always existed, but if we don’t face this reality every day and come to terms with our fear, it becomes ignored, compartmentalized, and we become complacent. This fear was her breaking point and pushed her over. The currency of fear was at an all-time high, and that price was just going to increase exponentially as 2020 continued on. We as a society literally became what movies, books, TV, and video games have said for decades: chickens, running around with our heads cut off. Looking for guidance, for purpose, for the parameters to be set. For guidance from our leaders — local, state, and federally. To my shock, there wasn’t a single ounce of fidelity between my local, state, and federal government.
As time went on, politics became more of a nightmare as the election started to ramp up. My wife and I struggle with the idea that we are too moderate for our liberal friends, and too liberal for our moderate/right wing friends. I have this perception that society functions all too often on your political identity and that this identity is a static belief system. Instead of looking at people as individuals and what encompasses them, we focus solely on the labels. Everything has become red or blue, right or wrong, right or left, order or chaos, this or that, black or white, good or bad when the reality is infinite shades of grey.
Josh asked, “...in what ways were you made anew?” Fact is, I haven’t. The process is evolving, and to me, that is the most important part. My breaking point was not a moment where I snapped, but it was a moment where I let go. This was a gradual process over the year, but if I had to pinpoint it to one situation, it would be of all things, something that happened at work. I am employed by Tazewell County Court Services as a High-Risk Adult Probation Officer. I could write an entire blog post on what this is and what I do, but the short version is this: I directly supervise clients who are the most resistant to change in the office and in the community. My coworkers in my specific division hate this description, but the easiest way is to imagine a social worker dressed similar to a police officer.
For months, I was working with a client who has a long history of substance abuse, suffering from a variety of different types of substances, a person who would ultimately use anything and everything to not feel “sober.” My client was incredibly resistant to change, and we attempted a variety of different services and techniques to address their behaviors, attitudes, thought process, decision making, and their addiction. This was not a typical case for a variety of reasons, and because of this I was not able to conduct the case in a typical manner. I found myself in a difficult situation professionally and personally, as everything going on in 2020 was affecting me 24/7. I was not celebrating minor successes or baby-steps, I was not as encouraging as I should have been, and my entire workload was devoid of any progress. This is actually typical for my workload, but I pride myself on being an incredibly empathetic and open-minded person. 2020 chipped away at that, significantly. The breaking point came where it was clear the problem was with me. I was refusing to accept my lack of control, my ability regarding what I can do, and that others who, for whatever reason, choose to ignore red flags and bury their head in the sand have the final say here. So, I said “screw it.” I am not going to fight myself anymore. This is a situation out of my control, I can choose to tackle this problem the same way and argue and fight with this client, or I can choose to put on my big boy pants, realize this is not going to be a typical case, and find a different way to address this case in a manner designed to establish progress and positivity. Ultimately, this was self-serving only as it did not affect the case in a manner I hoped it would, but it was a necessity. If I continued to function in black/white, good/bad, yes/no, then my entire purpose at work would be wasted, and it would only trickle down to how I interact with my family, my friends, my thoughts, my behaviors, and I would be left as one depressed, toxic, irritated mess (well, more of an irritated mess).
So, I let go. I have tried my best to stop reading Facebook comments, to stop commenting back, to not argue with everyone who feels the election was stolen, to not create problems in my life that I have no control over. I’m reminded of the quote from the novel Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk (fair warning, this is not a Christian novel or author): “People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”
There is no reason for me to go out of my way to create drama or problems when our world is full of this already. The more I choose to laugh, focus on what changes I can make for myself and others, and actually focus on what matters, the better I can be. I volunteered for a project at work focused on what changes we as a department can make, and took this as an opportunity to focus on what changes I can make. Positive challenges, rather than nightmare scenarios that are going to make me feel worse than ever before, just so I am distracted and don’t have to face the big scary unknown. Unfortunately, I did a lot of that internally in 2020 because if the power runs out, the water stops, gas stations run dry, and chaos erupts, we are left with facing the big scary unknown. A reality I never thought possible crept into my mind more and more as the days went on. Yet, it is now nearly a year later, and no matter how close it may have felt from happening, that reality did not happen. No matter how I or my family has been affected by all that happened in 2020, I still choose to remind myself that you can always accomplish far more with a smile and an open hand than a closed fist and a raised voice.
Caleb Lawrence is married to Caitlin, father of Clark, and these are the most important aspects of his life. He also works a little too much, enjoys Nintendo and retro games, home arcades, movies, bourbon, tinkering with electronics and computers, and all things superheroes. Caleb misses going to the movie theater, and really misses checking the “are you 18-35” box when filling out forms online. His 15-inch-long beard was sacrificed in April of 2020, which, much like Samson, is likely why 2020 turned out the way it did for all of us (my bad)