Talking Back to Shame
CYNNANDRA HILDE
The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. - Psalm 9:9
Shame is universal and started in the garden of Eden. God covered our shame over and over, but Christ absorbed it once and for all at the Cross. We get that intellectually, but those of us who have been abused hear other voices — voices of condemnation and humiliation. Our shame seems so much deeper. It can easily enter our souls like deadly venom.
Shame is such a pervasive part of any kind of abuse. What has profoundly impacted me as I’ve thought about all this is how my brothers and sisters are overwhelmed by the sin of sexual abuse and the shame that accompanies it.
Many women who have been assaulted share how they froze during the attack. Like me, they couldn’t move. We couldn’t scream. And we didn’t even understand why. In the aftermath, we often wondered if we did something wrong. The many times in my life that this has happened, I experienced each of those things. The issue is that I did not consent. I was overpowered, exploited, and unwilling. Then, I felt shame.
I’ve thought a lot lately about my own shame. I have a propensity to want to hide or depersonalize my pain by distraction. Shame leads me to a place where I can’t even worship without self-consciousness. Shame drives me undercover, and the cost is great. It took a long time for me to seek support. When I finally got to a place where I could ask for guidance, the women of my church took me under their wing. Psalm 9:9 was a verse they shared with me.
Some people might interpret it as, “If I have faith, then I’ll be okay.” However, that is not how I took it. At a time where I felt so confused and lost, I took comfort in the verse. I knew that I was in a lot of pain. But that did not matter. I learned that regardless of how I felt, my God would still lift me up and carry me and is ALWAYS there for me. It gave me the strength to keep going forward and to try and do what would lead me to becoming the woman that I am today.
I know that there are still going to be days where I will feel shame from what I have had to go through. However, I know that I will be able to carry on with the love and support of the people who care about me. I recite this verse out loud every morning to remind myself to be confident and to not feel shame for something I had no control over. He is my stronghold.
Cynnandra Hilde is a 25-year-old who enjoys baking and crafting during most of her free time. She lives in Peoria with her husband, Jacob, and two dogs, Ollie and Lilo. If she is not at work, Cynnandra can usually be found in the kitchen or sneaking her dogs in bed while her husband isn’t home.