Sacrament of Marriage…Civil or Sacred?
KAREN WALTERS
Wandering around in the dark night of my soul looking for the light switch was not how I envisioned the end of my marriage of 44 years. In fact, I had always pictured this time of my life being the space where Randy and I got to start each other’s rockers! Like many Christians, we believed that our commitment to love each other for the rest of our lives was enough to ensure a lasting marriage. We were both aware of many of our own eccentricities and imperfections, but at 20-something, we envisioned marriage as just an endless sleepover with our best friend (or favorite weirdo!). As I read somewhere, in reality, a perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
However, there were many things we did not know back then:
We did not know that the marriage ceremony was actually just the beginning of a journey, one on which each of us would be bringing our personal baggage. Moreover, we had not yet learned that all people continue to grow and evolve.
We did not know that during our time of dating, we had each fallen in love with the best of each other. We did not know we would be called upon to love the other’s worst, and that this merger continues to require not only love, but commitment and work.
We did not know that all four types of love would be necessary for a healthy marriage: the bond of empathy (storge), friendship (philia), romantic (eros), and unconditional “God” love (agape). Maybe more accurately, we did not know we would rarely feel all of these emotions at the same time.
We did not know that “Only about 3% of animal species are monogamous…a couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball creatures. To these select few, it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.” (Oliver Markus, Why Women and Men Can’t Be Friends).
We did not know that although many in our western Christian culture see marriage as society’s solution to loneliness, lust, and laundry, it comes in as many flavors as there are people!
Although marriage is itself a civil institution, both of us saw it as a sacramental contract with each other and with God. My husband, Randy, was a good provider who offered love, security, time and support to his family. For my part, I was committed to living my life from the Biblical view of the Proverbs 31 woman. I would work hard, be faithful, and do everything in my power to support, comfort, and encourage my family to be the best people they could be. I jokingly look back on those as my days of being the ultimate Proverbs 31 woman…maybe even Proverbs 32!
You see, although we loved each other and learned along the way to accept the sacrifice and work necessary to sustain a long-term relationship, we did not foresee that there are some things over which we have no control. Randy had always had a problem to which he referred to as his own “Paul’s thorn.” We were part of a faith community that reinforced our belief that if we just stood strongly on the Word, prayed continually and believed that God would honor those actions, God would just pluck that “thorn” right out of his side! We did those deeds, and while we were at it, we put a face on our relationship for all observers that denied a very deep truth. Despite our faith and intensive counseling, both secular and church-oriented, Randy was still gay.
We divorced and began to create separate lives, both of us deconstructing our faith and uncertain of what we believed, but open to creating a new relationship with our Creator. Church itself was another matter. It was during this time that we discovered the incredible faith community that is Imago Dei. Randy’s cancer diagnosis precipitated my becoming his caregiver and living together again. During those many difficult years prior to his death, we were able to once again enjoy the good and best fruit of all that we had once shared. We were able to re-establish communication, compromise, patience, sharing, and forgiveness. All that came about because we had done the work necessary to become truth-tellers, allow our hurts to be healed, trust each other again, and feel and express a different but unconditional love for each other. If that experience is not sacred and sacramental, I do not know what is.
Karen is a woman “of a certain age,” who has been a business woman, church lady, wife, mother, and grandma. She especially enjoys being a part of the Imago Dei Hot Mess Sisters Book Club...because she fits right in!